Where's My Cape?

Version 33.0 XY

We're super pleased to announce the release of Version 33.0 XY! Yes, it's been a long time with nary an update, but with the economic slow turn and all, we had to suffice with only local software updates. You understand. The new and improved Version features the following upgrades:

Boldly goes where no boy has gone before (in terms of girls' hair accessories)!

*Girl's red headband sold separately

Crazy patriotic!

*American flag sold only as part of Deluxe Holiday Acce$$ory Package.

Pees in the potty and other fun bathroom-break features!

Sometimes! Totally unpredictable!

Hides behind couches or under tables and bar stools to poop! If he's missing, you'll know why!

Insane language advancements!

Gone is the large, strong, but silent age. This version talks plenty:

I scared of tunder

MOMMA! It's doyk outside!

MOMMA! I come with you!

No! Momma do it! (in reference to absolutely everything)

I have dessert.

I done sleeping.

MOMMA! I watch video on your compooter.

Tank you for the food. Tank you for mommy and daddy come home. Amen!

No, I small!

I watch Dora!

Kankoo (welcome)

Say "Abre, por favor!" (as blocking entire width of staircase with arms. Kankoo, Dora.)

Oatmeelk (answer to "What do you want for breakfast?")

*samples above not representative. Version 33.0 XY starts speaking with "MOMMA!" 90% of time. Another 5% is preceded by MOMMA! MOMMA! MOMMA!

Conquered fear of "big water"!

Long-live the signature pose!

Built Ford-tough to last through wakefulness...

And sleep...

Can partially dress self!

Well, can occasionally get pants/shorts on in 10 step sit/stand/hobble/sit cycle. Can put on crocs on feet with 85% left-right accuracy.

New! Warlock Mode!

Give Version 33.0 XY any kind of stick and switch on Warlock Mode.

"I wave my wand and ZAAH!"

(taps wand on palm of left hand 3 times) "This wand..."

"ZAAH!"

(kankoo, Dora Saves the Snow Princess)

This version does not address the following operating failures.

Suffocating reliance/dependence/obsession with MOMMA. MOMMA MUST DO ALL.

Often operates in rogue destruction/violence/throwing mode.

Often gets *peeved* when thwarted in ANY SMALL WAY, resulting in rogue mode.

We'll be working on these for the next version...

Version 24.0XY, Special Anniversary Edition

We're very pleased to announce the release of the 2nd Anniversary Edition of Version XY! Version 24.0 XY addresses some of the known operating failures of Version 22.0 XY. The new and improved version features the following upgrades.

Now! With longer, more capable arm probes!

 *please keep away from all appliances, liquid-containing vessels, toxic cleaning agents, electrical plugs, etc, etc.

More sophisticated language programming!

Start of typical day:
MAMA! MAMA! (repeated 1,000 times or until Mama is able to retrieve from crib)
Light! On!
Poopoo! Poopoo!
Boobuhsh! Boobaste!
Mah BAY-ah! Mah ELpent! (BFFs bear and elephant)
MOOB. MOOB. (accompanied by two-handed push)
Where GiGi?
Dowstairs!
I Eat! I Eat!
What dat?
NO! No bed! No bed! Bed! Bed! Bed! No milk. Milk! Juice! No Juice!
No shoes! No shoes! No shoes!
Done! Done! Done!
No barf! No barf! No barf! No jacket! No jacket! No hat! No hat! Hat.

Snow Face!

In snow conditions, Version 24.0 XY will keep an expressionless face to conserve vital bodily energy in times of extreme environmental stress. This saved energy expenditure will protect critical fat stores from depletion and increased core temperature.

 

*igloo not available for purchase. (anymore.)

So mellow, allows uncle to read him Golf Digest instead of an age-appropriate publication!

 I'm in my self-soothing Signature Pose since I'm bored out of my gourd. Can we pees weed Goodnight Moon?

More powerful Ladies' Man magnetism!

Version 24.0XY has the charm, flirting, and winning looks that render women powerless, especially older women.  Grandmothers at highway rest stops come from across the room to confess they have been admiring him from afar. Teachers call him their "Teddy Bear" and nuzzle his nose. He works it. And it works.

Cake love!

 
 (If you're wondering about my Alfalfa 'do, I got 2 words for you: Signature Pose.)

This version does not address the following operating failures.

Signature Pose during meal times. While the signature pose is cute and all that, when performed in the middle of meal time, this results in depositing foodstuffs directly into hair. Fish may be the worst.

Too much need for self-efficacy. I do it. Even when I cants possibly do it. Then I needs you to do it. Hee-lp! Hee-lp! Hee-lp!

Pyromaniac. Obsession with bire and birebace. Birebace On! Bire tuck!

Situational Whiner. Whines. Alot. But only while Mama is around. (What?)

We'll be working on these for the next version...

Version 22.0 XY

We're pleased to announce the release of Version 22.0 XY which addresses some of the known operating failures of Version 21.0 XY. We apologize for the delay in this release! This version features the following upgrades:

Now! Professional sidekick!

Need a smaller person to boss around, push on a swing, chase after, follow you around, want what you have, kiss, hug, get drooled on by, scream with, and tell on? Look no further! Version 22.0 XY is your smaller person. He can perform all of the above functions...and more!

Push him around!

Attempt to hold him on your lap on the swing- he won't care if you drop him in the dirt!

Take him along to increase candy yield while Trick-or-Treating!

Or, just enjoy the feeling of being admired at all times, even from afar. This sidekick is loyal and compact enough to bring with you everwhere.

Improved language abilities!

Version 22.0 XY can express more in words, with a particular emphasis on the "b" sound

I-beam: ice cream (i-beam! i-beam! i-beam! WAH!)

bapes: grapes

boppee: coffee (while pointing to female programmer's life-giving cup)

bop: top

beep: sleep (while lying down on the floor at the end of the day)

beesh: fish

byby: butterfly

deedee: candy (DEEDEE! DEEDEE! DEEDEE! WAHHHHH!)

weewee: cherry

fighbace: fireplace

Moo moo hair, e-i-e-i-o!

peez: please

dock outside: dark outside

where mama (with palms up and to either side)?

Wow! Advanced sleeping behaviors!

While prior versions would not allow any blanket to come into the crib area, chanting "No bankit! No bankit! No bankit!" and choosing to stand by the crib rail until the female programmer left the room for at least a few minutes before finally lying down, this version lies down, puts head on pillow, allows to be covered by a blanket, holds his teddy bear in one arm and sucks his thumb with the other! Just like a real child! Amazing!

More upwardly mobile!
 

*also attempts to scale INTO crib from the outside. This may soon be an operating failure.

If you act now*, you'll also get a grab bag of head accessories for every occasion!

Your special assortment of Version 22.0 XY head accessories may include:

Cowboy hat.

Head/scalp novelty stickers.

 Assortment of colored headbands.

Girl hats for cross-dressing occasions (girls' shoes sold separately).

This version does not address the following known operating failures:

Piggy tendencies. Demands sweets. In a non-dignified way.

Enjoys pretending you didn't just tell him to do something.

Preferentially eats the marshmallow shapes from a bowl of Lucky Charms.

One minute after waking up every morning, starts shouting MAMA! MAMA! MAMA! while standing at crib rail. No creature in a 50-foot radius able to ignore.

No. Patience.

We'll be working on these for the next version...
 
 

Version 21.0 XY

We're pleased to announce the release of Version 21.0 XY which addresses some of known operating failures of Version 20.0 XY. The new and improved version features the following upgrades:

Now! Even busier!

 

Version 21.0 XY is always hard at work doing something. We're just not sure doing what.

 

Ah, I see the inflatable turtle has been dethroned. And the buckets stacked. And the watering can moved. It's all clear to me now!
 

Wow! Self-efficacy boom!

Version 21.0 XY wants to do it himself. That means you should only assist him to achieve his immediate goals at your own peril. The high bar stool? He can climb it. It may take him 20 tries, and he may bust his skull open in the process if you don't hold the stool down firm while he repeatedly tries to hoist his body on top of it with pure brute upper body strength, but he will do it. And proudly say "Deed it!" (Also occasionally accompanied by a self-applied round of applause.)

Ooh! Actually requests to go on the swings!

 

Yes, folks, this version will actually request to be placed on the baby swing. He will also appear to enjoy swinging for no more than 5 seconds before it stops being fun. DOW!

New and improved verbal expression!

Booboo nose - after face-planting it during running spill, this has been a favorite expression. Accompanied by pointing to red, scabby nose tip.

adoo adoo ah oo ah oo ah oo - From Sound of Music's So Long, Farewell. Adieu! Adieu! To you and you and you!

wabbeet - Whenever pointing at the main Papa character of "Guess How Much I Love You."

ert, spay - Accompanied by pointing at picture of Earth, in space, from one of his favorite books.

seet dow - Echoing of constant commands from The Programmers while he stands at the dinner table.

keese - Must keese before leaving the house. Even if you are leaving with him.

ahvoo - Said in response to "I love you"

Artistic Genius!

  

Holy crap. Such feeling. Such command of orange. And not even 2.

 

Yes, this version can use GLUE. Call Mensa. 
 

Jumps! With two feet! At the same time!

Unlike prior versions which attempted to jump but failed (often hobbling on one foot or just bending knees and straightening them, quick), this version lifts off the ground. At least a millimeter.

This version does not address the following operating failures:
 
 Tricycle awkwardness.

 

The only way this Version makes a Tricycle move is via The Flintsones shuffle.

Hatred of holding hands while crossing the street, instead preferring to gun it while Female Programmer screams and chases after him. Major operating failure.

Coveting thy sister's toys, foodstuffs, or anything being actively used by sister*.

 *sister does not help situation.

We'll be working on these for the next version...

Version 20.0 XY

At last! The long-awaited (and slightly delayed) release of Version 20.0 XY, which addresses some of the known operating failures of Version 19.0 XY. The new and improved version features the following upgrades:

All new! Poker face!

What fudge bar? I didn't just eat a fudge bar.

That birthday cake? Didn't touch it. Go ahead. Take a picture. It will last longer.

WOW! Verbal explosion!
Version 20.0 has undergone a serious vocabulary database upgrade. The new version puts MORE THAN ONE WORD TOGETHER. MORE RECOGNIZABLE WORDS. LESS EWOK, MORE ENGLISH.

Examples:

Old: ballallalalala New: 'nana  (banana)
Dahdo (cracker??)
Doodoo (???)
Hallo? (holding phone)
Eat. (while pretending to take a bite of Mama's hand to signal Feed Me.)
??? (Lucky Charms)
o pan do (open door)
ju (juice)
no mo ___ (no more ____)
mama boppee (mama coffee)
mama nine (mama wine) What?

More scholarly!
Version 20.0 XY is off to school!

(*majority of first transition school day spent in below position. On Mama's lap.)

 

Makeover via the Garnier Hair Salon!

Before:

Grunge Surfer

 

After:

Squeaky Clean Truck-Eater

Mad Hatter!

Look what I found in Grandma's Hat closet! (Not a word about my shirt. My mama dresses me in my sister's old clothes.)

Does this make my head look big?

Liking the Papal look...

...but, Sporty is my middle name (right after "always eating").

This version does not address the following known operating failures:

The taste of what's to come: The Wrath of Khan
Often accompanied by the chant/cry "No Saw! No Saw! No Saw!" and throwing socks somewhere behind him. Other precipitants: Making him do anything he doesn't want to.

Master of Entropy.

O pan do: Can now actually turn doorknobs and open doors. Lord help us.

We'll be working on these for the next version...

Version 19.0 XY

We're pleased to announce the release of Version 19.0 XY, which addresses some of the known operating failures of Version 18.0 XY. The new and improved version features the following upgrades:

Gasp! Onomatopoeia!

Mao! Mao! (When hearing household beast.)
Voom! Voom! (When operating ride along car)

ACT NOW and get a free pair of ROCK STAR sunglasses* with every purchase (While supplies last. We have one.)

Check me out. I always wear my 5 point harness. Safety first.

 

Oh, yeah, baby! I'm signing autographs with my drool.

 

Okay. You, paparazzi, with the camera. Starting to bug me. Capice?

 

*air guitar, skinny jeans, and baby groupies sold separately.

Attempts to sing!

Version 19.0 XY's first song is Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star. His version is in Ewok, but still! An A for Effort!

Skips! Or something!

Engages in locomotion akin to Female Programmer's version of "The Running Man." (Except without the raucous laughter that usually emits from observers of the Female Programmer's version of "The Running Man.")

New Problem-solving programming! Comes with 3 all-purpose techniques to solve ANY PROBLEM!

Technique 1: When in doubt, stick it up your nose.

 

Technique 2: Threaten a complaint to the management.

 

Technique 3: "The triple D threat" = Dimples to Disarm and Dismember.

Allows brushing of teeth without needing large object pinning him down!

In earlier versions, Female Programmer had to sit on the version to hold down his fighting arms to attain proper teeth access, but this version will usually allow teeth cleaning willingly, as long as there is YUMMY CANDY GEL toddler toothpaste involved.

LOOK! WOW! Can drink from cup!

 

*Maximum conservation of liquid during transfer: 80%. See chin.

Cultivating a love of books!

Version 19.0 XY will bring you a book to read. Top 2 are Goodnight Moon (with parts A and B for the two halves) and Brown Bear, Brown Bear. This version enjoys unconventional reading styles (skipping large sections, going backwards, speed reading).

Signature pose lives on!

You think you know Zen? You don't know Zen. I AM Zen. As long as you never shave my head.

This version does not address the following operating failures

Face waste product overproduction.

Performs exploratory probing of household beast's appendages without beast's consent.

 

This mode.

We'll be working on these for the next version.

Version 18.0 XY

We're pleased to announce the release of Version 18.0 XY which addresses some of the known operating failures of Version 17.0 XY. The new and improved version features the following upgrades:

Look! Ladies' Man!

 

This version comes with smoother moves to woo those ladies. Often led by a gaggle of older ladies at the playground who all want to hold his hand and take him special places. Like the slide. Or the see-saw.

(*egg rolls and dirty shorts sold separately)

More snuggable! Advanced Mama's Boy programming!

 

Snuggles next to household beast (when not terrorizing it or testing integrity of tail apparatus).  If female programmer lying on floor, will go lie down next to her and rest his head next to hers.

Major breakthrough! Can signal 'Yes!'

This version is able to nod head Yes when asked a question. You've got to see it to believe it, folks! Yes!!!! Affirmative! Right on! Abso-freakin-lutely!

Pseudo-counts!

When counting with him, he will say words along with you that sound like he could be counting. In another language. Like Ewok.

Guest-star of Babewatch.

 

"Hasselhoff has nuttin' on me"

Yoga Poser: Downward Dog

 

Doubles as...a paperweight!

 

Large mass can effectively meet all of your paper and human-securing needs.

Praises the Lord!

Will clasp both hands together and say (with feeling) MEY-MEN! All day long. Followed by clapping.

This version does not address the following operating failures.

Continues to throw food off highchair tray to signal meal conclusion.

Outdoor Nazi. Will force adults 3 x height into putting on his shoes and going on a walk with him by using combat cries and full-body weight leaning.

Grit Goatee

Participation in live sand burials.
 

Steals canes from the elderly.

 

We'll be working on these for the next version...

Version 17.0 XY

We're pleased to announce the release of Version 17.0 XY which addresses some of the known operating features of Version 16.0 XY. The new and improved version features the following upgrades.

Look! New form of locomotion!

Officially runs.

(knee pads, helmet, mouthguard, cast sold separately as part of "deluxe first aid package.")

More chewing power with every bite!

 

Four molars erupting in one month. You do the math.

Bonus vocabulary added just for this version!

Has "words" for the following items. Phonetic spellings are only an approximation. Please see operating failures.)

Alcohol: Ah-ah [as in, Purell, please stop calling Child Protective Services.]

Water: Wa-wa

Juice: Ju

Poop: Po-po [said while pointing at nether diaper regions when carrying a full load.]

Cat: ???

Socks: ???

Hot dance moves!

No longer just squatting rhythmically, Version 17.0 XY alternates raising arms whenever music is played. Look out So You Think You Can Dance!

For a limited time only! Bonus BFF with every purchase!

 

Version 17.0 XY loves to play with his BFF, as well as sitting down in her lap, to lean back and rest. This version also will reach for her hand to hold while walking.

Wow! Now answers your questions!

*Question must be yes/no.

**Questioner must be satisfied with the answer no?, accompanied by shaking of the head.

Long live the signature pose!

 

(Version 17.0 XY is positioned like this the majority of his waking hours.)

Re-tuned GPS for changing times!

Instead of tuned to locating the position of any electrical outlet, flight of stairs, or toilet, Version 17.0 XY is now designed to find: sticks, stagnant bodies of water (e.g. squorpse pool), and of course toilets! (you thought we'd replace that one - no way! In fact, this version's love of all things toilet is stronger than ever. Especially activating the flushing mechanism, slamming the toilet lid on victim's backs, and dropping the lid down as loud as humanly possible.)

 

I knew that planter would like it in the brown swill!

This version does not address the following operating failures.

Articulation of words non-existent. (Alernatively, is speaking perfect Ewok.)

Drooling fool. (Can't seem to find a patch around this one, folks.)

Throws food off highchair chair to signal being done, as opposed to other more civilized methods.

We'll be working on these for the next version.

 

Version 16.0 XY

We're pleased to announce the release of Version 16.0 XY which addresses some of the known operating failures of Version 15.0 XY. The new and improved version features the following upgrades.

Now with bigger guns!

Me. Move. Step stool. Cross. Room. Den. Climb. Up. I. Man. Of. Few. Words. But. I. Is. Strong.

New vocabulary! Kinda! Sorta!

BAW = Bowl = Ball
DADA = Daddy = Dora (backpack)
SHS = Shoes
BABBO = Apple
BLLALLALLA= Banana = Water
CHEESSSS = cheese
MO = More (food)
NE MO = No more (food)

(note percentage of new words pertaining to food)

Wow! More persuasive!

If he wants to go outside (which is any waking time not spent eating), he'll bring you his SHS,sit on the floor and present his feet for you to service. If this sequence is completed, he will stand up, take your hand and lean with all of his 27 lbs of chubb weight towards the direction of the door. Once you have been dragged to the door, he will either a) pound on door as substitute for saying, "Hello, sir/madam, might you be so kind to take me outside please?"; or b) drag out his stroller and start trying to climb in it himself. (It's hard to say no after all's said and done.)

6 Essential Body parts!
Can point to:
1. Nose.
2. Mouth.
3. Belly button.
4. Hands.
5. Feet.
6. Toes.

(All other parts can be found within the nose, which is the default option.)

Oral gratification fiend!

Thumb-sucking continues heartily. Most often in the form of his Signature Pose.

Finally! More adaptive motor skills!

Version 16.0 XY loves slides at the playground and can finally climb up, walk to the edge of the slide, SIT DOWN, and propel himself down. (Previously, the SIT DOWN part was missing.)

Can walk down stairs while holding on WITHOUT BREAKING HIS FACE.

Can sit on his little ride along car and PROPEL FORWARD.

Rudimentary thermometer built in!

Re: any hot item: HOT!

Re: any cold item: HOT!

This version does not address the following operating failures.

Bubble boy.

In addition to sensitive, eczematous skin, Version 16.0 xy has gotten 2 episodes of hives of unknown etiology. =(

 Unable to respond to the command, "Use your words."

Continues combinations of: grunt and point, whine and point, cry and point, etc.

Molars.

No appreciation of the coordinates of male programmer's crotch.

We'll be working on these for the next version....

Version 15.0 XY

We're pleased to introduce Version 15.0 XY which addresses some of the known operating failures of Version 14.0 XY. Here are some highlights of this version's new and improved features:

Channels monkey!

If you've ever dreamed of having a chimpanzee for a pet but fear one going all-psycho on you, being your loyal best friend monkey muffin for many years and then, SHAZAM! tearing you to bits, this version is your dream come true! Version 15.0 XY will scale anything and everything it can get its chunky leg up on. It will also make monkey sounds and use the same miming gestures you've seen chimps use on television. Version 15.0 XY is just as cuddly as a monkey, but smells significantly better. AND, you don't need to worry about driving across state lines with one in your backseat!

(disclaimer: Version 15.0 XY has not been programmed to throw pies in anyone's faces. This was an executive decision by our design team.)

Ooh-ooh-ah-ah

 

(All versions forced to wear navy blue at Software Development HQ)

Muse: Balls

Dear BAW!
I heart you. I love to roll you or throw you backwards over my head. I love how you are round all over. You give me excitement. Joy. And good times.

Yours,
Version 15.0 XY.

Less face-plants!

Can walk down a step using coordination and appropriate weight transfer and balance! Sometimes!

But, WAIT! ACT NOW AND...

For a limited time only, a bike seat to take Version 15.0 XY on the road!* Hurry! Supplies limited!

*helmet required for bike riding. Please note that Version 15.0 XY will only tolerate wearing helmet for a maximum period of 10 minutes. Please plan bike rides accordingly or place ear plugs in at the 10-minute mark.

Rudimentary Comprehension!
When given the vocal prompt, "Let's change your diaper," Version 15.0 XY will actually COME, and attempt to lie down on the changing pad WITHOUT FORCE and on OWN FREE WILL.  Still working on actually remaining there long enough to change diaper.

This version does not address the following operating failures:

Channels Pig.
If giving Version 15.0 XY a snack, must have 2 to hold one in each hand. Occasionally, will demand more despite not being able to pick up a 3rd unit.

Signature pose + eating with fingers = Hair that could feed a small family.

Biohazard unit magnet .

Limited hand dexterity...

 

...and associated "Slop Hands"

We'll be working on these for the next version.

(For comparison shoppers: Compare to the original Version 15.0.)