Where's My Cape?

Medical Advice Monday: Breaking blueberry story

News announcer: Scientists have recently discovered what mothers suspected all along: blueberries ARE kiddie crack. For the full story, we go to reporter Perk E. Hair from our local affiliate, WHYY.

Perk E. Hair: (Walking at scenic blueberry farm. Stops to pick a blueberry and holds it up to the camera.) Mothers, watching their children inhale blueberries by the pound in a single sitting, have long held suspicions that blueberries might actually contain kiddie crack. Why else would toddlers and children stuff their faces until literally blue in the face, as if possessed by some blue-eyed greed monster?

[Cut to clip of toddler in high chair, stuffing fistfuls of blueberries into his mouth. When toddler reaches the bottom of the bowl, he starts whining and crying, “Mo! Mo! Mo!”]

Perk E. Hair:  (Now in white lab coat inside of large science lab.) Finally, we may understand why. Researchers have discovered a compound in blueberries which, when reacting with only children’s biochemistry, metabolizes into something very similar to crack.  Monkeys who can press a lever to receive this substance, coined by scientists as “BKC” (short for Blueberry Kiddie Crack), keep pressing the lever without stopping to eat or sleep.

Perk E. Hair (pauses for dramatic effect)
[Cut to clip of mother holding a blueberry-stained baby on her hip. Mother:  It makes sense. Junior could fall into a 10 foot vat of blueberries and just eat his way out. Then he’d want more.]

Perk E. Hair: (Back in blueberry field.)  The good news is, BKC’s effects are only temporary, and there are no known long-term effects.  So, mothers, you can still give your children blueberries to enjoy. Just appreciate their highly addictive potential. Most importantly, keep your own stash hidden if you ever want to eat blueberries yourselves ever again.

[cue commercial]

Medical Advice Monday: Trichotoppomania

Trichotoppomania (translation: repetitive hair/head covering) lies at the impulsive end of the OCD scale. Afflicted persons have a impulse control disorder for placing objects (usually hats, but may include scarves, blankets, bonnets, or other miscellaneous head gear) on top of the heads of small dependent creatures for the purposes of enjoyment.

Epidemiology: Female predominance. More common in mothers of infants and owners of small purse dogs or exceptionally tolerant cats.

Symptoms: Difficulty in delaying or inhibiting head-gear placing behaviors. Victims may include small household beasts and infants. As small household beasts and infants often remove the offensive head gear immediately, persons with this disorder engage in repetitive replacing of the head gear until a) head gear remains on or b) photo is taken to document head-gear success.

Treatment: SSRIs may have a role in treating trichotoppomania but more research is needed.

Case study: Patient A

Patient A first began having problems with trichotoppomania with regards to her cat in her late 20's. (See Exhibit 1.) This later generalized to her infant many years later (See Exhibit 2.)

Exhibit 1: household beast

("I will crap on your bed for this.")

Exhibit 2: defenseless infant

("What up with the hat, ho?")

("Stop calling me Jason Mraz.")

("Yes, I have a burp cloth on my head. Please send help."

("I hope you are entertained. Please give me back my manhood.")

("Okay. Totally gratuitous. Can you please feed me now?")

With psychotherapy and medications, Patient A is on the road to recovery. She has not placed a stray beret or turban on either her household beast or infant in many days.

Medical Advice Monday: Living with the lyrically-challenged

"Every time you go away, you take a piece of meat with you"

A resource for family and friends of the lyrically-challenged
 
There is increasing societal awareness of the lyrically-challenged, those unfortunate persons born with an inability to satisfactorily distinguish song lyrics. Their mangled renditions can be a source of amusement, yet also, can occasionally lead to great interpersonal conflict and strife. There are tens of thousands of individuals in this country living with this disorder. They need to be properly understood and supported and not belittled for their auditory handicap.

"Dirty deeds, done to sheep"

How do I know if my loved one suffers from this disorder?

The signs are not subtle. Individuals will insert nonsensical words into song lyrics, revealed when they sing their special versions aloud. The resulting illogical sentiments will escape them. (i.e. Why would someone take a piece of meat with them whenever a loved one departs?)  However, their overall cognitive abilities can be quite good and being lyrically-challenged does not seem to correlate with general IQ.

Children will manifest this disorder by inserting non-words into song lyrics and often be quite insistent that these "crazy words" are indeed, the actual lyrics. DO NOT FIGHT THEM ON THIS. You will lose.

"Blinded by the light. Wrapped up like a douche, another rumor in the night."

How can I best support the lyrically-challenged?

Simply understand them and correct them gently. Mocking, teasing, or showing signs of contempt should be avoided. If they insist on their incorrect versions, you may want to casually leave a copy of the correct lyrics lying around, or to sing the song the right way as an example.

"My blood runs cold. My anus is the center hole."

What is the future like for the lyrically-challenged?

With proper support and understanding, the lyrically-challenged can lead near-normal lives. Some, due to a long history of fabricated song lyrics, can develop talent in composing song parodies for radio morning shows, comedy improv, and Weird Al.

Medical Advice Monday: Chinese Measles

Introduction

Ricella, commonly known as Chinese Measles, is an aggressive cousin of German Measles. Its epidemiology, symptoms, course, and treatment will be discussed here.

Epidemiology

Ricella can affect persons of all ages and backgrounds, although the very young and the very old are most susceptible. Outbreaks often occur at Asian "kid-friendly" restaurants. The highest prevalence occurs among persons of Asian descent.

Symptoms

After an incubation period of the time required to eat a meal, the primary symptom of Ricella is a classic exanthem (rash) of white, grain-like lesions giving a stuck-on appearance. Unlike German Measles, whose classic rash is on the skin only, the rash of Ricella predominantly affects clothing, although some satellite hair and skin lesions do occur. The rash is usually accompanied by other stains on these same areas. The rash may be severe, as in the child pictured above, or it can be subtle in those wearing lighter-colored garments. Fever and swollen glands are rare.

Course

The rash is usually only temporary and may improve simply with exercise alone. After appropriate treatment with clothing removal and hose-down, almost all cases are resolved. However, no immunity develops and patients may continue to succumb throughout their lifetimes.

Medical Advice Monday: Cuteness Euphoria

Condition: Cuteness Euphoria

Symptoms: Uncontrollable desire to hug or kiss triggering object; feelings of elation; incessant picture-gazing; involuntary scrunching of face in almost-pained joyful response.

Epidemiology: Generally affects anyone, regardless of gender, age, or ethnicity, who is exposed to triggering object, unless one is dead inside.

Triggering object properties: Soft, cuddly, may be fuzzy, easy on the eyes. May have squishy cheeks. Often found in slings, cabbage leaves, nests or wombs. (see example above)

Pathophysiology: Cuteness Euphoria is caused by natural endorphin released in response to visual signals from the occipital cortex. Research also suggests overwhelming serotonin release (may play role in combatting depression).

Related conditions: Cute Overload.

Medical Advice Monday: Vampirism

Disease: Vampirism

Epidemiology: Especially prevalent in those of Eastern European descent and male sex, but can affect all populations (see afflicted pictured).

Transmission: De novo transformation; bite from another vampire

Signs: Bloated, ruddy facies. May have fresh stains around mouth area and satisfied appearance. Eyes may be closed to protect self from light. May transform suddenly into a bat, wolf, spider or moth. Garlic averse.

Treatment: No known treatment. A hose-down can minimize terrifying appearance. Holy water may accelerate demise.

Prognosis: Grave. Prevention is key.

Medical Advice Monday: Red Dog Head Tumor

Disease: Red Dog Head Tumor

Epidemiology: Affects mainly children in a bimodal distribution, with peaks in infancy (prior to the development of mobility) and then later in toddler years. Rare adolescent cases have been described in emotionally immature subjects.

Telltale symptoms: Tumor-like growth, usually found on child's head but has been described to sprout from all body sites. Tumor has distinguishing characteristics giving the overall appearance of Clifford, The Big Red Dog. Tumor is not painful but can make wearing hats challenging. Peripheral vision may be impaired.

Prognosis: Almost all cases are benign and prognosis is good. Mainly cosmetically disfiguring, but some children enjoy the constant company of a furry friend, albeit attached to their heads or eyeball socket (See photo above).

Treatment: Surgical removal (dog-ectomy) has been successfully performed using contemporary neurosurgical and plastic surgery techniques.

Medical Advice Monday: Blue Mouth Syndrome

Disease: Blue Mouth Syndrome

Epidemiology: Can affect all age groups, but children especially susceptible. Outbreaks noted after visits to bank teller and other service-oriented establishments. No sex or racial predilection. All forms of this disease are acquired.

Differential diagnoses: Congenital heart disease, mutant Mongolian spot, hypothermia, choking, emphysema, blue crayon intoxication, Halloween, goth make-up attempt gone awry.

Etiology: Ingestion of hardened, flavored sucrose with corn syrup mounted on a stick colored with blue dye (colloquial usage: lollipop, pop, lolly, sucker, dum dum).

Transmission: Hand-to-mouth. Also, mouth-to-clothes, mouth-to-parents, mouth-to-hand-to-white furniture.

Symptoms: Patient has a very blue mouth, but shows no evidence of impending cardiac or respiratory arrest. May be hyperactive.

Treatment: No medical treatment needed. Cosmetic interventions often pursued.

Medical Advice Monday: The Sleep Gene

What is the Sleep Gene?

The Sleep Gene, not to be confused with a distinct cousin, the Sleaze Gene, is located on the short arm of chromosome 14. It codes for an irrestible urge to sleep as well as an uncanny ability to do so in the blink of an eye.


What is its inheritance pattern?

Autosomal dominant, with incomplete pentrance. If one of your parents shows evidence of this gene, chances are you have inherited it, but the phenotypic expression of the gene may differ among individuals.


What are some signs that I may have the Sleep Gene?

Signs vary from mild to severe. Here, graded in progression of severity:

Level 1) You fall asleep at night while your partner/significant other is still talking to you.

Level 2) You fall asleep while in any moving vehicle for over 30 minutes.

Level 3) While in residency, you sleep with your pager affixed to your chest to make sure you indeed wake up when your pager goes off.

Level 4) You fall asleep at night while you are still talking to your partner/significant other.

Level 5) You fall asleep while in any moving vehicle for over 15 minutes.

Level 6) You sleep well on airplane flights flanked by morbidly obese passengers.

Level 7) You can sleep in broad daylight while sitting up in a wrought iron chair.

Level 8) There's a song written about you called, "Where's _____?" (is he sleeping outside?)

Level 9) You often walk around with clothing/rug/blanket burn on the side of your face, adjacent to dried drool.

Level 10) You fall asleep while in any moving vehicle for over 30 seconds.



What is the differential? (What else could I have that may mimic these symptoms?)

If you snore so loudly that your partner/significant other has a) kicked you out of the bedroom, b) kicked you in the ribs or c) caused the termination of the relationship, you might have sleep apnea. Consult your doctor.


I think I have The Sleep Gene. Is there a cure?

Stimulants can help, but they only temporarily mask your symptoms. It's best not to fight the sleep urge and accept the fact that you have a serious health condition.


I wasn't born this way, but I think I may have developed The Sleep Gene, is that possible?

No. At birth, it is already determined if you have The Sleep Gene, but because phenotypic expression may vary, you may not show it until provoked. Provoking events can include (but not exclusive of): medical residency, college, having a child.


Sample genetic family to illustrate effects of penetrance:



*Note highly rare nuclear family with both parents affected heavily by The Sleep Gene. Arrow denotes index case, whom we will refer to as "KC".