Where's My Cape?

And she was totally being serious

I'm picking up Boy and Girl from "camp" for the day and see a mom I know.

Nice but Slightly Inappropriate Mom: Oh, I like your dress*.

Me: Thanks.

NbSIM: It's...poetic.

Me: Thanks. That's a good word for it.

NbSIM: Did your mom make it?

 

*Kay Unger white sheath dress with tiny black polka dots, wide black trim, bateau neck, embroidered orange sun and black palm trees around hem.

Ways I'm a spaz #4038

I arrive at a meeting where I'm giving a talk. Audience is full of important people. I'm at the continental breakfast line with continental pastries where an attendee is getting his food, and I try to make small talk due to pre-talk nerves:

"I heard on the radio today that bears prefer donuts to honey or any other food for that matter!"

Man: Oh, really? (clearly not that excited over that nugget.) (Man leaves)

I get my plate and head over to my assigned table...which is where Man is sitting too!

Me: I'm not actually stalking you.

Man smiles politely, looking for nearest exit.

Awesome! And I was afraid I wouldn't be able to break the #4037 barrier. 

So not cool

I stepped out into the muggy morning air, lugging all my bags, and made my way to my car. Well, The Husband's car that I've been driving to work everyday. This way, the minivan is home in case there are any baby/kids transportation needs while I'm at work, and between you and me, I've been enjoying driving something other than a mommy mobile. Don't get me wrong, I love our minivan in a platonic - function over form kind of way. But driving his car makes me feel a smidge less soccer mom slumming.

Across the street, a construction worker says to me, "They broke the A/C," holding his hands out to his sides.

I laughed, "Yeah, seriously."

He pulled out his shirt away from his body, motioning towards the sweat stains. "What happened to the A/C out here?"

I smiled again, quietly wondering how long this A/C theme was going to last. Work a-calling!

I got in and started the engine...to the immediate sounds of...rocks bouncing around under the hood? Jiffy pop? Was this a prank? It sounded so not good.

I drove a short distance and as I accelerated, the rocks went postal. OK, definitely not normal. I made a u-turn and went back home, passing Sweatman as I went in to find my dad.

He came out and gave the car a quick test drive - of course, the sound had petered out and he shrugged. "Sounds fine to me." (This was not so convincing to me, nor reassuring. This is also the man who rushes so much to put anything with parts together, there are usually an unsettling number of random miscellaneous parts leftover, like washers and screws and stuff.)

Then our neighbor and a naturally talented handyman T came out headed to the Metro on foot. T could help us! We called him over and I offered to give him a ride to the Metro hoping that his ears could detect what the frig was the matter with the Jiffy Pop hood. He gladly got in and immediately chuckled, "Sounds like you need a tune up!"

As we drove, T became more and more fascinated with my potential car pathology.

"Do you hear that sound? It's probably a belt that broke and now it's rubbing against something. Can you picture it?" He is now very excited.

"No." (I am now less excited)

"Oh, I wonder what it is! Maybe we should just pull over now and I can look under the hood!" T was filling with mechanical glee.

"Oh, now I'm worried for this car! It could break down any second! I'm so curious what this is! Do you want to just pull over now?"

"No."

My plan was to drop him off at the Metro (a few stops down the line), then I'd stop at our usual car place nearby. If I could make it that far.

I breathed a sigh of relief as I pulled into the car shop and told the intake dude about the rock sounds. I went with him to take a look. Man started the car and popped the hood, exposing our car's underthings, underthings which I understand almost nothing about.

He stared. "Uh...I'm sorry to tell you this..." (CRAP) "...it doesn't look good." He pointed out a fraying belt and tried to explain how that was connected to other things but he lost me after the belt business. You know that Far Side cartoon with the dog who only hears blah-blah-blah-blah-GINGER-blah-blah-blah- GINGER? That was me and the belt. Belt, I know, as in important but often misunderstood fashion accessory. Everything else? La la la la la.

Short story as I gathered? The A/C was the culprit, but soon that belt would break and the car would overheat and overheating = fried car underthings. He estimated it would cost between $1700-$3000 to fix, but they wouldn't even get to the "deep dive" of diagnosis for a few hours.

Ugh! This car is almost 10 years old and has lived through biblical flooding, hitting a deer (one of the back door barely opens, but  then only with 1 gigaton of obliquely-applied force), over 100,000 miles, and other calamities. We were planning to replace it anyway when The Husband got back. And the A/C was just repaired LAST YEAR.

So, intake dude and I both agreed that I should just hobble on home and park it until I decided how to dispo it - wasn't worth it to repair it at this point. Which meant hobbling on home with NO A/C in the insane heat. By the time I made it home, me and Sweater McSweaterson could have made a nice couple. Half my face had melted off and it was only 10am! But, sadly no time to freshen up much, had to book it in to work.

I grabbed the minivan keys, transferred my bags, and remembered how nice it was to drive the good ol' van...sometimes function over form is just fine. (Like half-melted faces cooling in the arctic A/C breeze.)

 

Version 5.0 XY2

After a long hiatus, KC & Co. proudly present our newest model, Version 5.0 XY2! These tough economic times necessitated some belt-tightening in the product release department, but this version is the result of fresh innovation, improving upon the operating failures of our prior systems, Version XY and The Original Version.

Version 5.0 XY2 features the following stellar attributes:

• Hardly cries
• Coos in a register that was scientifically designed to stimulate the brain reward center
• Exudes sweetness
• Patience, good-naturedness
• Programmed with extra smiles, laughs, giggles for your pleasure
• Popular with kids of all ages, adults, the elderly
• Extra kiss-able cheeks, rolls, feet (although all parts designed to accomodate kisses/raspberries)
• Able to occupy own self by playing with own feet --no extra toys needed!

This version has the following known operating failures:

Public Displays of Affection

 

 

Makes out with his bearfriend* at the dinner table. Makes the rest of us kind of uncomfortable.

*Bearfriend courtesy of Alisa.

 

Rice cereal-induced noxious local air pollution

*Respirators sold separately

 

Solid food greed

Grabs spoon to shove in mouth, or alternatively, grabs entire bowl to lick clean. See above.

 

Pushes weight limit for portability

This version was not designed for traveling. Could be used as 18lb free weights.

(*Back brace sold separately)

 

Comparison shopping? Check out our first Version 5.0 XY. 

 

Open letter season

Dear Woman (?) Working at Post Office,

I wasn't staring at your fake eyelashes. Just found them so...interesting! So many layers! I definitely could not pull that look off, so, go you. Very The Birdcage.

Best,
KC

*

Dear Pepco,

I don't think it's normal to experience extreme panic and anxiety whenever it looks like it might rain. I also don't think it's normal to lose power whenever it does rain. Like the other day, when we had a passing thunderstorm for maybe 15 minutes and we lost power? Not. normal. But, then it came back on after 5 minutes. Phew! But, then 2 hours later, when the storm was long gone, we lost power again. This time for at least 2 hours. Scaring the already-scaredy-cat kids and necessitating parental slumber accompaniment. Not appreciated. Not to mention we've already lost power at least 10 times this very calendar year! Once for several days! I'm quite over Living La Vida Little House, thankyouverymuch. Please get your act together and stop acting like a monopoly...um..Oh. Darn.

Signed,

A disgruntled customer that you have absolutely no incentive to care about

*

Dear Boy2,

Please don't tell the other kidlets, but you bring your Mama so much joy, it's almost a crime. The other kidlets? Not as much joy these days, what with their in-fighting, whining, Battle Royales, and out-of-bathroom renegade pee incidents. But you? Your smiles and coos and sweet, sweet moods make all my stresses melt away. There's a Chinese saying about how with some kids, you owe them from a past life and you spend this lifetime giving to them. Then there's the child whom owed you in a past life and only brings you joy. That's you.

xoxo,

Mama

*

Dear Dell Customer Service:

Thank you for that 1.25 hour call yesterday. That was a great use of time. I know a call to your customer service line is never complete without being transferred to at least 3 different people, all who must ask me my Service Tag number as if you are not a company that deals with computers that can save information. I'm glad I got to talk with a "Resolution Specialist" who I think finally met his match. You may have recorded that part of our conversation when he asked me if I had any more questions, and I said, "Yes, why does your company suck?" I meant that. And so does my 3 month old busted computer.

Sincerely,
KC

*

To Whom It May Concern in the Fate Department:

THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU for being kind to my friend and former roommate. All I have to say is, it's about time! Also, while we're at it, thank you for for being cool all-around lately. Except for that computer thing.

Yours,

K

p.s. might you reveal where I've misplaced those 2 8-oz Avent bottles? Could really use them again.

*

Dear Mom and Dad,

We are so, so grateful for your help during this crazy time for our family. This experience has certainly made us appreciate what amazing parents you are and all that you have given up to help us out while The Husband's away. It goes without saying that we would do this for any of our kids in a heartbeat in the future. You are the best parents ever!

Love,

Your daughter

*

Dear Maker of Nursing Bra:

Thank you for making such a supportive and comfortable product. Just wanted to suggest that future versions be less-that-which-was-borne-of-sails with such sturdy reinforced straps that look like they could hoist large maritime cargo. The straps are so prominent, that unless you are wearing a turtleneck, it is hard not to have a bra-strap (aka "shoulder belts") peeking out of necklines. Seriously, it's like 100 degrees out here, making turtlenecks impractical if not dangerous. I understand they are designed to be weight-bearing undergarments - perhaps new technologies/Spandex could be employed.

Thanks for your consideration,

KC

 

Baldy squared

In a way, it's comforting to know that there are certain truths in the world. Mice like cheese. Rivers flow to the ocean. New mothers experience postpartum telogenic effluvium. But then, you are experiencing one of those truths and realize it is not comforting at all to go bald in your 30s. (Did I lose you? Hint: this is not about mice.)

Yes, I predict I will be bald shortly. Like maybe next week.

I've entered into the lose-hair-in-fistfuls stage of postpartum wonder and it's AWESOME. You know what else is awesome? My bathroom floor. Picking off hairs from my clothes. The hair loss list goes on.  I know it's temporary but geez, head, get a grip.

Well, at least I can keep Drooly McDroolerson company in the hair department. Boy 2 is by far the baldest child I've beared. He had some, then started shedding, now it's growing back in slowly. Together, we make quite the couple - cosmically united by our baldness patterns!

Onto slightly less inane topics, we had a lovely 4th of July holiday despite a major character in our family being absent. Our neighborhood had its usual block party, complete with kiddie "parade", lots of grilling and food to share. Days like that really make me so thankful for our neighbors. I mean, these are great people; we've never lived in a neighborhood like this before. I'm thinking back to our last house and my post that was called "Please move." The one damper to the day, besides the humidity, was the bugs. The bugs are out of control. I swear I would enjoy the great outdoors so much more if there were no bugs. Despite dousing myself in repellent, I am covered with bug bites.

Boy1 enjoyed watching fireworks for the first time. He was conflicted since on the one hand, they were loud and scary but on the other hand, they were spectacular to his little boy mind. Where do they come from? He kept asking me. He didn't look too scared as he curled his body next to me on the blanket, facing the fireworks, entranced.

Girl and I had our first of many battle of the wills re: doing something because "everyone else is." In this case, riding a bike without a helmet. Sorry, Charlie. This one is non-negotiable. But, unfortunately, everyone else WAS riding without a helmet, making things just that much awesome from a rain-on-your-literal-parade standpoint. She straddled the bike whining, "But [insert any of the kids there] doesn't have to wear a helmet! It's NOT FAIR!" Boo hoo. But, I did not budge on that. I draw the line at brain trauma. Not happening. She sulked a lot as I heard future Girl say "But [insert person] has a later curfew!" "But, everyone else is going to Cancun on spring break!" First of many. Sigh.

So, life goes on and I'm thinking about doing something crazy like coloring my own hair (the 6 strands left) or starting a tumblr blog. (I know, I must be stopped before it is too late. But I'm kind of fascinated and crushing on tumblr.) What's this world coming to?

Not me. But hair's pretty close.

Totally normal play 2

Girl: Mama! Mama!

Me: Am I your Mama or is Boy your Mama? (1)

Girl: Boy's my Mama

Girl: Mama! Mama! I have a tummy ache!

Boy: I don't know....[busy trying to stick an object in the fan] You have a fever?

Girl: Yes.

Boy: You have a fever? Then don't think about it! (2)

 

 

(1): Often, their play involves others in the role of Mama and I'm never quite sure who is being called.

(2): What I often say when they are perseverating on a minor pesky symptom making it that much worse. But never applied to fevers.

Less than perfect

Sigh. Sharing.

 

Four-letter word

Girl: How do you spell donkey?

Me: D-O-N  K-E-Y

Girl: Then what's "D-K-N-Y?"

 

Having brilliant parenting moments since 2005

My parenting brilliance sequence goes like this:

-Get brilliant idea

-Act quickly to make brilliant idea a reality

-Realize brilliant idea is the dumbest idea ever

-Repeat to infinity

Example: One Sunday on a recent holiday weekend, I get the fabulous idea to take Boy and Girl to the zoo. It's one of those spur-of-the-moment decisions that sound better and better with each passing minute. Yes! The Zoo! This will keep them occupied, provide a novel diversion, prevent Battle Royale in our living room again...what could be better? Besides, Boy2 can hang out with my parents and everyone left at home will be able to have a reprieve from the loudness that is Boy and Girl at Home (AKA HomeBoy and HomeGirl). But, I realized, we didn't have time to dawdle since I just fed Boy2, which means 3-4 total hours tops to make it into the city and back again. Challenging but doable. Plus, with our zoo membership, parking was free! I really had no excuse not to do it. Within 5 minutes of idea hatching, kids were Croc'd and rocked to go. (I totally just coined that phrase. Don't be jealous.)

The commute down there was fine, kids were excited. But then we got to the zoo and there was a huge back-up of cars lined up to get in.

Argh! It's a holiday weekend!

I saw a placard that read: All lots full.

Argh! Dum-dum.

But, too late. We were car sandwiched. We inched along, all the while time ticking away on my 3-4 total hours time limit before I turned back into a lactating pumpkin. It was tres sad. But oh! A zoo-worker wearing a neon vest was talking to cars one-by-one as they reached him and some were pulling into a lot. When I reached him, the man said that we could pay $25 to park in the bus lot, or take our chances with waiting for one of the other lots to open. Hmmm. Was this legit? Or an ingenious zoo scam? The man looked legit, as did the other zoo workers collecting money and handing out tickets for the dash. At this point, I just wanted in and forked over $25 to the woman who was probably about to get catering for all the zoo workers from all of us parking losers willing to pay $25 to park. Whatever! Enjoy! Have some fancy marinated olives for me!

(And we were the last car they allowed to park there. Fate.)

We scampered out and set off to find some animals...and promptly, Boy and Girl were more interested in finding snacks than animals. But, we're at the ZOO! We are not spending our whole time eating! But, I gave in and got them snacks. I'm weak. Finally...off to find animals! Because we're at the ZOO!

We saw Elephants from afar, a sleeping Giant Panda that looked dead, zebras, turtles, orangatuns. I list these animals all together but rest assured that the ratio of walking and effort to finding animals was like 3 miles: 1 animal. In the humid crowds. The throngs of holiday weekend crowds, many of whom forgot that deodorant is plentiful and cheap in this country. Of course we had to have ice cream (before lunch), and raid the granola bars in my bag (before lunch), and ask for cotton candy 1,000 times (did not relent! I have some standards.) before actually having lunch. By this time, everyone was sweaty, droopy and spent.

We got back home, within that 4 hour time-period, and I collapsed onto the couch. From that sideways position entering delirium from hunger since I spent the whole time feeding them and planning on eating their leftovers, of which there were none, I asked them what part they liked best of our super awesome ZOO outing. Was it the zebras? Watching the orangatuns climb up the tower? (Pretty sure it wasn't the dead panda) Their answer?

The ice cream, of course.  Totally worth the $25 and 1 million kilijoules of energy. And as I faded away into starvation coma, I thought: I make great decisions.