Where's My Cape?

Medical Advice Monday: DANG

Disney Associated Narcolepsy Grievance (DANG)

Disney Associated Narcolepsy Grievance affects children worldwide upon their visit to Di$ney World or other Di$ney franchise theme parks.

Epidemiology: DANG usually affects the youngest sibling in a family who is often forced to come along, thereby missing critical naps that maintain their good humor and well-being. There is no gender predilection, and DANG is more likely in families where sleep affinity (and ability to sleep in stark conditions like sitting up at 90 degrees on a wrought-iron chair) runs high. (See: The Sleep Gene.)

Thanks for bringing me all the way to Florida.

Pathophysiology: The combination of extreme stimulation (e.g. It's a Small World five times in row since Peter Pan's Flying Adventure was apparently too dark and scary and there were Fast Pass tickets to burn) and lack of naps and the abundance of many abnormally happy "Disney castmembers" leads to the inevitable.

Please let me sleep in a crib or other legitimate sleep surface

Therapeutic interventions: None, DANG is self-limited and gradually reverses with removal of offending stimuli.

Special public health advisory: Despite the relatively benign self-limited course of DANG, it unfortunately can, in certain severe cases, spread beyond the index case. The best defense is to be prepared for a group narcoleptic event.

Index case wipes out an entire plane except for the flight crew.

 

 

 

 

Medical Advice Monday: Grandma's Alternative Guidance for Mothering Everday (GAG-ME)

The GAG-ME Syndrome

Introduction: The GAG-ME Syndrome has been described since the dawn of time, in all time periods. Even ancient hieroglyphics depict elder woman figures waving a finger at younger women carrying infants. In these illustrations, the younger woman often has her face turned away with the eye looking upward towards the heavens. In present-day times, contemporary women are almost universally afflicted with GAG-ME, to greater or lesser degrees.

Pathophysiology: It is unknown why Grandmothers will develop such differing and conflicting opinions from their children for child-rearing, no matter what the topic. Due to the ubiquitous nature of this syndrome, it is hypothesized to be transmitted via the X chromosome. Certain baseline grandmother characteristics (tendency towards being more controlling, dramatic, and stubborn, for instance) predispose to greater phenotypic expression of GAG-ME. Certain baseline maternal characteristics (tendency towards being more controlling, dramatic, and stubborn, for instance) also contribute.

The Syndrome: From the moment of a child's birth, there is vocal opposition from the maternal or paternal grandmother to the mother's approach to the child's care. This is not limited to infancy, but, sadly, lasts indefinitely. Alternative guidance can predate a child's birth and involve such things as (but not limited to): birth plan, childcare arrangements, method of feeding, time interval between feedings, sleep duration and quality, sleep methods, mother's sleep, mother's hygiene, length of breastfeeding, handling of night wakings, feeding quantity, pumping, color of child's room, discipline, choice of child's clothing, monitoring, diapering, bathing, timing of subsequent children, maternal diet, maternal weight loss (or lack thereof), maternal haircut, seasonal concerns, illness management, travel considerations, teething, oral hygiene, elimination frequency, potty training specifics, choice of detergents, choice of soaps, choice of anything used in the house, choice of anything used outside the house, etiquette/manners, children's literacy, and any other thing, place, or action not listed.

Prognosis: Prognosis for the mother solely hinges on maternal sense of humor and impulse control. Mothers must know they are not alone in dealing with GAG-ME and must stay united in the face of perpetual usurpation. Also, it may be helpful to understand that the cause is most likely linked to the X chromosome and, indeed, lies dormant in each mother until the birth of their first grandchild. Grandmothers who have full-blown versions of the syndrome may also find that accepting this as a bonafide condition may help them tone it down a notch and understand why such conflict is inherent to the relational bond. When in a stalemate, the mothering opinions of the actual mother of the child should always reign.

This brief was funded by the Council on GAG-ME's Spoon subcommittee.

Medical Advice Monday: Anatomy of a Dinner-time Meltdown

*not pictured:
screams, grunts,demands, perseverance, insanity, obstinacy, satanic possession

Medical Advice Monday: For Tamra who is retaining more water than the Great Dam

(Originally posted 10/15/07)

Signs you have entered your third trimester of pregnancy...

• After climbing the three flights of stairs to your office, passerby debate over which way your body is listing to avoid being crushed. Then they play Rock, Paper and Scissors to determine who is going to give you CPR.
• You are HUNGRY. When you're not HUNGRY, you are TIRED. When you are not HUNGRY or TIRED, you are CONSTIPATED. These are your only three states of being.
• You have resorted to wearing full-length maternity support hose (sexy!) for your legs which resemble the legs of an 80-year old woman who has seen wars and the birthing of 10 children.

(...continued here.)

Signs you have entered your third trimester of pregnancy...

• After climbing the three flights of stairs to your office, passerby debate over which way your body is listing to avoid being crushed. Then they play Rock, Paper and Scissors to determine who is going to give you CPR.
• You are HUNGRY. When you're not HUNGRY, you are TIRED. When you are not HUNGRY or TIRED, you are CONSTIPATED. These are your only three states of being.
• You have resorted to wearing full-length maternity support hose (sexy!) for your legs which resemble the legs of an 80-year old woman who has seen wars and the birthing of 10 children.

Medical Advice Monday: Equipment needed to collect a urine sample from your child

   

*not pictured:

hip waders

safety goggles

clock calendar to denote passage of time before any urine is collected in specimen cup proper

Medical Advice Monday: Vick's VapoRub ingestions

If you discover that your infant just tossed aside an empty tin and has mothball breath, please see this post on DC Metro Moms Blog.

(Also, please call the nice folks over at Poison Control. Please have ready your name, address, phone number, description of incident, and your pride.)

Medical Advice Monday: Trichotoppomania

Trichotoppomania (translation: repetitive hair/head covering) lies at the impulsive end of the OCD scale. Afflicted persons have a impulse control disorder for placing objects (usually hats, but may include scarves, blankets, bonnets, or other miscellaneous head gear) on top of the heads of small dependent creatures for the purposes of enjoyment.

Epidemiology: Female predominance. More common in mothers of infants and owners of small purse dogs or exceptionally tolerant cats.

Symptoms: Difficulty in delaying or inhibiting head-gear placing behaviors. Victims may include small household beasts and infants. As small household beasts and infants often remove the offensive head gear immediately, persons with this disorder engage in repetitive replacing of the head gear until a) head gear remains on or b) photo is taken to document head-gear success.

Treatment: SSRIs may have a role in treating trichotoppomania but more research is needed.

Case study: Patient A

Patient A first began having problems with trichotoppomania with regards to her cat in her late 20's. (See Exhibit 1.) This later generalized to her infant many years later (See Exhibit 2.)

Exhibit 1: household beast

("I will crap on your bed for this.")

Exhibit 2: defenseless infant

("What up with the hat, ho?")

("Stop calling me Jason Mraz.")

("Yes, I have a burp cloth on my head. Please send help."

("I hope you are entertained. Please give me back my manhood.")

("Okay. Totally gratuitous. Can you please feed me now?")

With psychotherapy and medications, Patient A is on the road to recovery. She has not placed a stray beret or turban on either her household beast or infant in many days.

Medical Advice Monday: A pictorial of the after-effects of dim-sum on children

Consumption.

Under table migration.

Random crotch attacks.

Mounting.

Cross-mounting.

Prostration.

Medical Advice Monday: More signs that you could use some aerobic activity*

These guidelines were originally published in October 2006. 2008 updates have been added below.

Signs that you could probably benefit from regular aerobic activity...

1) After walking up 3 2 flights of stairs at a rapid clip in the hospital, passerby are debating whether to call a code.
2) What gym?
3) Your last sustained only daily calorie burner has two teeth and barfs on you regularly. was the last breastfeeding session nine months ago (a.k.a. The Day Metabolism Died).
4) During a leisurely walk with a neighbor who is PREGNANT fall family bike-ride, you think you might die. Or at least fall off your bike from physical exertion go into rhabdomyolysis (grave state of muscle break down).
5) You experience burning chest pain from sucking wind while going uphill during said WALK bike ride.
6) The only way to reach your previous resting heart rate of 62 is by O.D.'ing on beta-blockers (prescription cardiac meds). Or, achieved right before you pass out in #4.
7) You get tired watching other people exercise. Or even thinking about other writing lame posts about people exercising.
8) The last time you did more than 3 2 abdominal crunches was...Well, you can't remember.
9) You emit sounds while picking up your 26 20+ lb child that mimic a women's tennis match.The only sound you make while lifting your 35+ lb older child is the sound of your back hitting the pavement.
10) You get tired thinking about a women's tennis miniature golf match.
11) You reward yourself for surviving leisurely walk in #4 with ice cream. And lots of it.
12) You wake up the next day after the leisurely walk in #4 and feel no pain. From your neck up.
13) You have a new lover named Ben Gay. He knows how to treat a woman right.

*Today's Medical Advice Monday is brought to you by Acme Brand AEDs, Your Local Community AED (Automated External Defibrillator) Supplier. 

These guidelines were originally published in October 2006. 2008 updates have been added below.

Signs that you could probably benefit from regular aerobic activity...

1) After walking up 3 2 flights of stairs at a rapid clip in the hospital, passerby are debating whether to call a code.
2) What gym?
3) Your last sustained only daily calorie burner has two teeth and barfs on you regularly. was the last breastfeeding session nine months ago (a.k.a. The Day Metabolism Died).
4) During a leisurely walk with a neighbor who is PREGNANT fall family bike-ride, you think you might die. Or at least fall off your bike from physical exertion go into rhabdomyolysis (grave state of muscle break down).
5) You experience burning chest pain from sucking wind while going uphill during said WALK bike ride.
6) The only way to reach your previous resting heart rate of 62 is by O.D.'ing on beta-blockers (prescription cardiac meds). Or, achieved right before you pass out in #4.
7) You get tired watching other people exercise. Or even thinking about other writing lame posts about people exercising.
8) The last time you did more than 3 2 abdominal crunches was...Well, you can't remember.
9) You emit sounds while picking up your 26 20+ lb child that mimic a women's tennis match.The only sound you make while lifting your 35+ lb older child is the sound of your back hitting the pavement.
10) You get tired thinking about a women's tennis miniature golf match.
11) You reward yourself for surviving leisurely walk in #4 with ice cream. And lots of it.
12) You wake up the next day after the leisurely walk in #4 and feel no pain. From your neck up.
13) You have a new lover named Ben Gay. He knows how to treat a woman right.

*Today's Medical Advice Monday is brought to you by Acme Brand AEDs, Your Local Community AED (Automated External Defibrillator) Supplier. 

Medical Advice Monday: Living with the lyrically-challenged

"Every time you go away, you take a piece of meat with you"

A resource for family and friends of the lyrically-challenged
 
There is increasing societal awareness of the lyrically-challenged, those unfortunate persons born with an inability to satisfactorily distinguish song lyrics. Their mangled renditions can be a source of amusement, yet also, can occasionally lead to great interpersonal conflict and strife. There are tens of thousands of individuals in this country living with this disorder. They need to be properly understood and supported and not belittled for their auditory handicap.

"Dirty deeds, done to sheep"

How do I know if my loved one suffers from this disorder?

The signs are not subtle. Individuals will insert nonsensical words into song lyrics, revealed when they sing their special versions aloud. The resulting illogical sentiments will escape them. (i.e. Why would someone take a piece of meat with them whenever a loved one departs?)  However, their overall cognitive abilities can be quite good and being lyrically-challenged does not seem to correlate with general IQ.

Children will manifest this disorder by inserting non-words into song lyrics and often be quite insistent that these "crazy words" are indeed, the actual lyrics. DO NOT FIGHT THEM ON THIS. You will lose.

"Blinded by the light. Wrapped up like a douche, another rumor in the night."

How can I best support the lyrically-challenged?

Simply understand them and correct them gently. Mocking, teasing, or showing signs of contempt should be avoided. If they insist on their incorrect versions, you may want to casually leave a copy of the correct lyrics lying around, or to sing the song the right way as an example.

"My blood runs cold. My anus is the center hole."

What is the future like for the lyrically-challenged?

With proper support and understanding, the lyrically-challenged can lead near-normal lives. Some, due to a long history of fabricated song lyrics, can develop talent in composing song parodies for radio morning shows, comedy improv, and Weird Al.