Boy, 6, has started Tae Kwon Do lessons. He's pretty jazzed about them, and he doesn't get jazzed much about anything as far as sports go (rapid plunging of this mom's hopes of raising an Olympic athlete. Boy2, everything's riding on you. No pressure.).
The place where he takes lessons just might be the headquarters of a cult. It's a wholesome cult, as far as I can tell, but there's a definite feeling that you've joined an alternate universe. There's a creed, inspring messages of the week (overcoming setbacks, for instance) and strong, charismatic leaders with strong, charismatic hair.
There is also a proper uniform. When we signed up, we received a white uniform, three patches, and a post-it note describing where the patches were to be affixed. Now, I'm not super domestic or anything. I'm pretty self-satisfied when I change a lightbulb, especially those recessed bulbs standing on a kitchen barstool, for instance. I was pretty happy after ironing on Girl's Girl Scout patches successfully. So after a week of sending him with a patchless uniform, I finally ironed those suckers on - right arm, left arm, chest.
However, the patches weren't adhering too well. I mean, they stuck on but not like those Girl Scout patches. Cheapo.
After several weeks, his American flag patch was basically near-separated, hanging on by a corner and I just removed the sad thing entirely. The other two patches were not all that secure either. Maybe I had received a faulty batch?
During the next class, I went up to the receptionist for some helpful hits at making the patches work.
"I'm kind of remedial at ironing. The patches aren't sticking very well."
"Um..they're sew-on patches."
And that would explain everything.
My next problem was there was no way in h-e-double-hockeysticks I was sewing all those badges and stars on. I'm not sure I could produce a needle and thread from within the caverns of our home. It's been a long time. Sewing was not happening.
Someone told me about those fabric adhesives that avoid sewing. Yes, please.
When it arrived in the mail two days later (Amazon Prime, I love you), I couldn't wait to dig in. I had all patches on and secured within 10 minutes. I felt such achievement and pride - my boy would be wearing a full complement of sturdily applied patches for tomorrow's class. Yes!
They recommended putting the clothing in the dryer for 20 minutes after application for best results. So, I grabbed the uniform top as I went upstairs for the night, carrying my laptop, and the special dessert the Husband made for us (a chocolate torte with accompanying glass of Port, of course).
Before I reached the stairs, I felt liquid on my hand only to find red purple splotches on my hand, as well as on the white uniform in that hand. Like many splotches. FROM PORT.
I'm good at many things but sewing and stain removal are not among them.
My heart sank. This uniform was a true disgrace. You know your mommy is a disgrace when you have wine stains on your Tae Kwon Do uniform.
Amazingly, the stains almost completely lifted after several cycles of manically-applied Spray-n-wash. (Who knew?*)
Boy wore the basically white, fully patched uniform the next morning, smiling as he always does in class. And I think I earned whatever Girl Scout badge there is for Domestic Effort.
*Also, unrelatedly, I successfully removed red Sharpie from our couch this past weekend. Miracles happen.