Mortification x 5

*Warning: embarassing story ahead. Please do not continue reading if we are related or know each other professionally. It would just be too awkward. Complete strangers: enjoy!

It was a Monday morning. Of course it was. The day of the week that most heart attacks happen and the collective world groans with the promise of a full work week (probably not coincidental). Today, I was bringing in my van to the body shop to fix the damage another, less observant car, inflicted when it merged in a space that was already being occupied (by me). I was not in the greatest of moods since all of this rigamarole was NOT what I wanted to be doing this Monday morning, KWIM?

I got to body shop, handed over my keys, and waited until the friendly Enterprise agent (we'll pick you up) picked me up. She was probably in her late 20s, early 30s and we made small talk during the short ride to the Enterprise office.

When we got there, we walked into the office and it was pretty bustling for Monday mid-morning. She walked around the counter to help me with my rental directly. I was feeling young and casual - my hair was pulled back in a ponytail and I was wearing a tank top, cropped army green pants, and flip-flops. In contrast to the middle-aged man at the counter next to me, who was wearing a business suit. I bet they assumed I was a student. I usually get that when I dress like this.

It was all standard fare until the woman helping me asked to see my driver's license.

Oh, sure, I said, grabbing my wallet from my purse. I opened it up and started furiously digging through my cards. Credit cards. Business cards. Driver's License! Duh! Of course I need my driver's license to rent a car. Where's my driver's license???

I started to sweat.

I noted, in my peripheral vision, the man next to me was now looking down at the counter by me. Probably thinks I'm a total idiot to not be able to find my driver's license.

I put my wallet down and started to claw randomly through my giant purse - driver's license! Crap! 

Business man still looking down, and up at me. What the hell, man! Mind your own business!

It started to dawn on me that I took out my driver's license the other night to bring with me in my small, cute going-out purse. I probably never transferred it back.

Crap! OH Crap!

I started to say something to the agent when I noticed that she was ALSO looking down at the counter by me. Intently. What?

I looked down.

There, on the counter, next to the mess of my open wallet was like 5 freaking condom packages that apparently had fallen out in my searching excitement. (Don't ask me why I was carrying them in my wallet. Just. Not now. I assure you, It was unusual.) 

Dyyyyyy-ing silently.

I looked up at the man next to me, who was indeed staring right at this lovely display of -what- sexual prowess? deviancy? desperation? - and then up at the Enterprise agent who was wearing a smirk of some kind.

HOLY Mortification.

*nervous laugh*

I scooped them up quickly and threw them into my purse, and went back to talk about my driver's license being in the other purse and OMG inside I was dyyyyy-ing.

Very unfortunate turn of events.

Of course, they wouldn't let me rent the car without a driver's license, even if I swore on my 5 condoms that I knew exactly where it was sitting in my house.

So, to make my day all that better, I got to a) get another ride back to the body shop; b) take back my van to drive all the way home; c) drive back to the body shop; d) get picked up by the SAME WOMAN who now thinks I'm like this loose perv; e) go back to the office where EVERYONE knows about me now. Cool.

On my ride back with the Enterprise woman, I tried to smooth over some of the supreme awkwardness I felt by mentioning that I was a mother with two kids. Somehow, that made me feel better knowing that she didn't think I was just this loose single perv carrying around excessive numbers of condoms on a daily basis, or worse, a lady of the night.

We made some small talk again and then, this time at the counter, I produced my driver's license. She asked me what car I normally drive as she was looking through their available cars, probably to get me a car as similar as possible.

The car? None other than the red Hyundai Accent I wrote so lovingly about over a month ago.

When I drive a minivan.

Tell me that was not punishment for being uncouth.

Comments

[Becca]

I would have DIED right there on the spot. DIED. DEAD. GONE.

Hysterical post though.

I had something similar happen on an airplane recently, when a tube of NOT MY Vagisil tumbled out of the overhead compartment into someone's lap while I was looking for something

[the mama bird diaries]

I think the Enterprise folks were all very relieved that you practice safe sex.

[flutter]

oh that SO would have happened to me

[Stimey]

Think of it this way, you probably totally brightened the Enterprise people's otherwise dreary Monday morning. You should have done something even more scandalous for your second visit—like dropping a vibrator on the counter or something.

[T.]

SUCH. A GREAT. STORY!

Thank you for sharing -really! It made me feel less alone...not because of the, er, you know, but because I am constantly rummaging through my bottomless purse at inopportune moments!

[Manic Mommy]

Oh that is funny!! You wild woman! I totally would have gone with Hertz after that. Although I do like Stimey's.

[Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah]

I would have yelled.

"I AM A DOCTOR! IT IS SOME SORT OF HEALTH RELATED THING!"

Or something.

[JD at I Do Things]

When are people going to start realizing that people DO carry condoms around? It's not the 1950s, people. Having said that, I'd have been embarrassed too. (But it sounds like you looked real cute!)

[Nancy@ifevolutionworks.com]

LOL!!! VERY funny!!! I feel for ya!

[Wife and Mommy]

Okay, I'm done laughing. You made my evening. And you probably made that entire Enterprise office's week!

But what I really want to know is this: Why did you have a buncha condoms in your purse??

[alejna]

Funny story!

I'm sure they were jealous of your exciting love life.

I won't ask you why you had 5 condoms in your wallet. I'll just assume that you have an exciting love life. (Also, you told me not to ask.)

[AW]

Long time reader (found you through BlogHer), first time commenter. Why was I moved to comment?

Because explaining that you are married with 2 kids doesn't get you off the hook; It makes it THAT MUCH MORE SCANDALOUS!

Hilarious. Glad you shared.

[Margaret (Nanny Goats)]

I don't understand why condoms are so embarrassing to fall out of your purse. But they are.

Which would be worse, though....condoms? Or tampons?

Not sure if I said this yet, but I loved meeting you at BlogHer! Even if you were a lush!

[Kyla]

That is hysterical!

One time, my mom was spending the night on our couch and when she was tucking in her blankets she found an opened condom wrapper. Uh-oh! The awkward! LOL. The next time she spent the night, we stashed a whole row of unopened ones in there for maximum comedic value.