News announcer: Scientists have recently discovered what mothers suspected all along: blueberries ARE kiddie crack. For the full story, we go to reporter Perk E. Hair from our local affiliate, WHYY.
Perk E. Hair: (Walking at scenic blueberry farm. Stops to pick a blueberry and holds it up to the camera.) Mothers, watching their children inhale blueberries by the pound in a single sitting, have long held suspicions that blueberries might actually contain kiddie crack. Why else would toddlers and children stuff their faces until literally blue in the face, as if possessed by some blue-eyed greed monster?
[Cut to clip of toddler in high chair, stuffing fistfuls of blueberries into his mouth. When toddler reaches the bottom of the bowl, he starts whining and crying, “Mo! Mo! Mo!”]
Perk E. Hair: (Now in white lab coat inside of large science lab.) Finally, we may understand why. Researchers have discovered a compound in blueberries which, when reacting with only children’s biochemistry, metabolizes into something very similar to crack. Monkeys who can press a lever to receive this substance, coined by scientists as “BKC” (short for Blueberry Kiddie Crack), keep pressing the lever without stopping to eat or sleep.
Perk E. Hair (pauses for dramatic effect)
[Cut to clip of mother holding a blueberry-stained baby on her hip. Mother: It makes sense. Junior could fall into a 10 foot vat of blueberries and just eat his way out. Then he’d want more.]
Perk E. Hair: (Back in blueberry field.) The good news is, BKC’s effects are only temporary, and there are no known long-term effects. So, mothers, you can still give your children blueberries to enjoy. Just appreciate their highly addictive potential. Most importantly, keep your own stash hidden if you ever want to eat blueberries yourselves ever again.
[cue commercial]
My kids won't eat blueberries! They are missing out on the kiddie crack!
Posted by: Kyla | Monday, June 15, 2009 at 07:38 AM
And we all know what happens when kids eat too many blueberries...
Posted by: Manic Mommy | Monday, June 15, 2009 at 08:34 AM
Fantastic post! My son would eat nothing but blueberries if I'd let him. We went and picked our own blueberries this weekend and my son ate his weight in them. They really are kiddie crack!
Posted by: Jen L. | Monday, June 15, 2009 at 12:21 PM
I thought it was just my kid that had this addiction. I guess they can all go to group meetings together as they try to kick their habit.
Posted by: Ali | Monday, June 15, 2009 at 05:58 PM
Kyla- They are probably more evolved. It's pretty primitive over here.
Manic- I didn't know until today. Yes, that was a great morning surprise.
Jen L- Thanks! Oh man, we've done the blueberry picking and it isn't pretty. And not at all subtle when you go pay for the blueberries you've picked and the kids have blue faces.
ali- it's an epidemic. I miss eating blueberries. Maybe when they go off to college.
Posted by: KC | Monday, June 15, 2009 at 07:48 PM
they are fiance crack, too. wait...
Posted by: flutter | Tuesday, June 16, 2009 at 12:32 AM
And we all know what the blueberries do to diapers .... *shudder*
Posted by: trannyhead | Wednesday, June 17, 2009 at 08:10 AM