Build it and they will come

I distinctly remember during 8th grade Shop class watching a highly educational video about the perils of Shop class. This lovely piece involved showing graphic scenes of bloody hand amputations (Be careful with the ban saw next time, sucka!), chemical eye spills (I wish I wore my goggles BEFORE I became blind from this acid poison being splashed into my eyeballs!), and other assorted grotesque sundries. As if I wasn't terrified enough from our Shop teacher who looked a little too anxious, especially when he dove head-first under the nearest table if anyone was mean enough to shout "GRENADE!" Oh, you think they didn't. Then you didn't know the fine boys and girls at my public school.

I do, however, fiercely defend public schools especially to The Husband who laughs at me for having to take Shop and Home Ec (he who was more cultured and refined and attended prep school). Hey. Easy now. If it weren't for Home Ec, I would have never become so adept at sewing buttons back onto shirts and what about those pair of fuzzy dice I made BY HAND? Hmmpf.

Anyway, I did eventually use the dreaded limb-savaging ban saw, used a planer, bent metal, stained wood, and other things I have never, ever done since. I suppose I'm glad for the experience, but I can't say I was ever proud of my work there in Shop class.

Same with its older, more nerdy kin: College Chemistry Lab. I still felt rather awkward around the lab equipment, and my experiments often ended up botched. (Did I weigh that right? I tared! What the hell is that doing in there?) I seriously felt bad for my lab partners since I think I was doomed when it came to Lab. Needless to say, I hated it a wee bit.

My ineptitude for all things mechanical later manifested as cheap furniture assembly craptitude. You know, when you're putting together a piece of crap budget furniture and the holes don't line up, or you end up jamming something that clearly was not supposed to be jammed in. Or it ends up crooked or worse, critically defective. Sure, some of this was due to the quality of the materials (thx, IKEA!), but I also began to suspect it was also my skillz. Or lack thereof.

So, these days, whenever I put anything together ALL BY MYSELF and it is not defective, I feel elation. Like a freaking rock star. Like all nails entering at the appropriate angle instead of all kamikaze-like. Functional products. Awe. Some.

Which is why I'm still doing a touchdown victory dance about this:

*paint job courtesy of Girl

 

 

**no bird excrement was harmed in the making of this paint job

I made that. This involved WOOD GLUE, like 20 nails, screwing things, alignment, multiple pieces that had to be fit just so...Can you appreciate the nails are CORRECTLY hammered into place? Plus, I did not shed a single drop of blood or bash a fingernail.

I guess growing older has its advantages. Thank you, 8th grade, shop teacher. The foundations you laid in place during my formative years helped to produce this work. I hope you are well and on appropriate meds.

Comments

[flutter]

that birdhouse is tres Picasso

[Kyla]

Good job!

I always feel like a bit of a dolt in lab, too!

[magpie]

You are insanely talented. Bird will be flocking from all over.

[Manic Mommy]

If I were your mom, I'd hang it on my fridge.

I am so adding 'make bird house' to our List-of-Summertime-Activities-So-Mommy-Doesn't-Throw-a-Clot!

[elayne]

I love The Girl's artistic expression, and your precision woodworking skills are awesome!

I had a friend who started teaching shop at a local high school before he quite finished sowing all his wild oats. He showed up to teach still hungover/drunk/"impaired" from the night before, and while giving his "always use safe operating techniques" spiel, managed to slice off three fingers in the band saw.

Actually now that I look at google images of band saws, it might have actually been a circular saw... hmm.

Well, in any event, *schwop!* three fingers off. It went at an angle such that it went through the second (PIP) joints on his index and middle fingers, and the first (DIP) joint on his ring finger. They were able to reattach all three fingers, although he needed joint reconstruction (??) for the affected joints and has little to no motion in those joints. (He says he asked the doctor, as they were wheeling him into surgery, "Give it to me straight, doc - when you're done, will I be able to play the bagpipes?" but to his dismay the doctor didn't fall for it, heh.)

ANYWAY, what I was getting to is the fact that, apparently within a week of his accident, almost half of the shop students who'd witnessed the accident had changed classes to drop out of shop, but 8-10 other students who'd heard about it had changed classes to sign up. Those gory videos are apparently nowhere near as awesome as seeing it in real life.

[Jenn]

That birdhouse is perfect!

As I'm sure are the moments spent collaborating on it--what a jumble of wonderful life is, huh?

[KC]

flutter- I think Girl's got talent. maybe I just auction it off on ebay.

Kyla- don't envy you. Lab was my nemesis. Totally. Inept.

magpie- and if they do, I bet them crapping all over it won't change it's overall appearance!

manic- totally recommend it. She loves it!

elayne- oh crap, is it band saw? Shows how much I know about amputating woodworking equipment. YIKES.

Jenn- update: came home to find that Boy had done something nefarious with it - but it's mendable!

[Introvertster]

I was only able to pass wood shop (officially known as "Industrial Arts: Woodworking") by acing the written tests. I let Jim Hoover copy off of my written test and in exchange he handled the table saw to cut the wood for my napkin holder for me. We were a dynamic duo!

[Elaine at Lipstickdaily]

Wow, you rock! I always buy the prefabricated birdhouses for painting!

[Holly]

This is fantastic, totally and absolutely!

And as for your woodworking prowess? You realize it's those exact same skills used in building a birdhouse that are required for, say, building a chair for your dining room or a deck off the kitchen...!

Can't wait to see what you'll build next. ;-)

[KC]

introvertster- ah. I needed a Jim Hoover. But, pretty sure we didn't have a written test. We did have Lava soap. That I remember.

Elaine-they sell prefabricated birdhouses????

holly- I did finish that very small birdhouse without bodily injury, but a deck off the kitchen or anything that bears weight is just not in my league. Maybe I'll move on to gingerbread houses.