Medical Advice Monday: Grandma's Alternative Guidance for Mothering Everday (GAG-ME)

The GAG-ME Syndrome

Introduction: The GAG-ME Syndrome has been described since the dawn of time, in all time periods. Even ancient hieroglyphics depict elder woman figures waving a finger at younger women carrying infants. In these illustrations, the younger woman often has her face turned away with the eye looking upward towards the heavens. In present-day times, contemporary women are almost universally afflicted with GAG-ME, to greater or lesser degrees.

Pathophysiology: It is unknown why Grandmothers will develop such differing and conflicting opinions from their children for child-rearing, no matter what the topic. Due to the ubiquitous nature of this syndrome, it is hypothesized to be transmitted via the X chromosome. Certain baseline grandmother characteristics (tendency towards being more controlling, dramatic, and stubborn, for instance) predispose to greater phenotypic expression of GAG-ME. Certain baseline maternal characteristics (tendency towards being more controlling, dramatic, and stubborn, for instance) also contribute.

The Syndrome: From the moment of a child's birth, there is vocal opposition from the maternal or paternal grandmother to the mother's approach to the child's care. This is not limited to infancy, but, sadly, lasts indefinitely. Alternative guidance can predate a child's birth and involve such things as (but not limited to): birth plan, childcare arrangements, method of feeding, time interval between feedings, sleep duration and quality, sleep methods, mother's sleep, mother's hygiene, length of breastfeeding, handling of night wakings, feeding quantity, pumping, color of child's room, discipline, choice of child's clothing, monitoring, diapering, bathing, timing of subsequent children, maternal diet, maternal weight loss (or lack thereof), maternal haircut, seasonal concerns, illness management, travel considerations, teething, oral hygiene, elimination frequency, potty training specifics, choice of detergents, choice of soaps, choice of anything used in the house, choice of anything used outside the house, etiquette/manners, children's literacy, and any other thing, place, or action not listed.

Prognosis: Prognosis for the mother solely hinges on maternal sense of humor and impulse control. Mothers must know they are not alone in dealing with GAG-ME and must stay united in the face of perpetual usurpation. Also, it may be helpful to understand that the cause is most likely linked to the X chromosome and, indeed, lies dormant in each mother until the birth of their first grandchild. Grandmothers who have full-blown versions of the syndrome may also find that accepting this as a bonafide condition may help them tone it down a notch and understand why such conflict is inherent to the relational bond. When in a stalemate, the mothering opinions of the actual mother of the child should always reign.

This brief was funded by the Council on GAG-ME's Spoon subcommittee.

Comments

[natasha the exile on Mom Street]

I shooting coffee out your nose while reading this post another symptom of GAG-ME?

'Cause I've got that one for sure!

[Manic Mommy]

LMAO - Lovers of Medical Advice OMG!

[Kyla]

You are so clever and hilarious.

[AJU5's Mom]

One prescription is to live FAR away from any grandparents. It keeps the GAG-ME events to a minimum. It isn't a cure, but it does limit the "attacks."

[Introvertster]

I'm guessing that you've had family visiting recently?! My parents are arriving Thursday evening to stay through Easter Monday...*shudders*. Do you have a GAG-ME brochure that I could share, hehe?

[Ashley]

Hysterical.

[rimarama]

This was DEAD ON, my friend. And hi-freakin-larious!

[qt]

You never fail to crack my ass up!

[Hetha]

perpetual usurpation! lol!!!
you need to see if they'll add this to the DSM ;-)