Medical Advice Monday: Living with the lyrically-challenged

"Every time you go away, you take a piece of meat with you"

A resource for family and friends of the lyrically-challenged
 
There is increasing societal awareness of the lyrically-challenged, those unfortunate persons born with an inability to satisfactorily distinguish song lyrics. Their mangled renditions can be a source of amusement, yet also, can occasionally lead to great interpersonal conflict and strife. There are tens of thousands of individuals in this country living with this disorder. They need to be properly understood and supported and not belittled for their auditory handicap.

"Dirty deeds, done to sheep"

How do I know if my loved one suffers from this disorder?

The signs are not subtle. Individuals will insert nonsensical words into song lyrics, revealed when they sing their special versions aloud. The resulting illogical sentiments will escape them. (i.e. Why would someone take a piece of meat with them whenever a loved one departs?)  However, their overall cognitive abilities can be quite good and being lyrically-challenged does not seem to correlate with general IQ.

Children will manifest this disorder by inserting non-words into song lyrics and often be quite insistent that these "crazy words" are indeed, the actual lyrics. DO NOT FIGHT THEM ON THIS. You will lose.

"Blinded by the light. Wrapped up like a douche, another rumor in the night."

How can I best support the lyrically-challenged?

Simply understand them and correct them gently. Mocking, teasing, or showing signs of contempt should be avoided. If they insist on their incorrect versions, you may want to casually leave a copy of the correct lyrics lying around, or to sing the song the right way as an example.

"My blood runs cold. My anus is the center hole."

What is the future like for the lyrically-challenged?

With proper support and understanding, the lyrically-challenged can lead near-normal lives. Some, due to a long history of fabricated song lyrics, can develop talent in composing song parodies for radio morning shows, comedy improv, and Weird Al.

Comments

[Michelle]

Hey, don't mock the lyrically challenged. I have used some of those lines (the douche one) before. But the last one had me rolling laughing. By the way, I love your blog

[Lien]

I definitely suffer from this disorder. Although I am not bold enough to say my anus is the center hole. You are too funny.

[flutter]

What about "You're a candle in the window, and a corn dog when it's night?"

[alejna]

You crack me up with your meat-toting traveller.

Are the lyrically-challenged most susceptible to 80s songs? (And have you heard Depeche Mode's early 80s song "I just can't get it up"?)

[qt]

Oh my - I need to send my sister here STAT. Her case is near-terminal.

"Anus is the center hole?" I don't know if I can undo the damage from that.....

[Becca]

I am going to be giggling at inappropriate times all day because of "My anus is the center hole." Too funny.

[Peggy, RN]

My newly-adopted daughter came home from pre-school singing one day many years ago, and when I got "her" version I nearly died laughing: Sing a song of sixpence, a pocket full of rye. Four and twenty black girls baked in a pie.
We still use it as the best example of "lyrically challenged" Tia-isms.
Thanks for making me laugh again today.
Peggy, RN

[Manic Mommy]

That was a fucking riot! I had to sing "my anus is the center hole" before I knew what song it was.

BTW my LC child sang "...and everywhere that Mary went the sheep was forced to go". I didn't correct him because that too cracked me up.

[inthefastlane]

I ALWAYS thought it was "douche" and couldn't figure out, number one, why anyone would sing about such a thing? And number two, how you wrapped up a "douche", and number three how that made any sense in the context of the song. But rather than think that maybe that wasn't the real word, I just kept trying to figure the song out for years. The Mr. finally set me straight, but I still think "douche", whether it is correct or not :)

[MWAS]

Aha! I now know what's wrong with my oldest child, but my husband won't let me sing your examples to him. He is in denial and refuses to label our son. (He may be suffering, too, but I can't hear over his dysphonic symphony to tell)He he he

[Kyla]

I almost choked on my lunch! My anus is the center hole. Hahaha!

Josh is lyrically challenged. One of his gems is, "I like big butts in a can, ch-ch!"

[bea]

You mean "wrapped up like a douche" ISN'T the right lyric?

[Cristy]

Oh, that's lovely! Kinda like "eatin' chicken with it" instead of "getting jiggy with it."

My then 2 year old dd loved to sing Jiggy Bo at Christmas time. She now sings the more widely known version AKA Jingle Bells. I prefer Jiggy Bo.

[jen]

You wrote: Blinded by the light. Wrapped up like a douche, another rumor in the night."

and I always thought it was "wrapped up like a douche, another RUNNER in the night" and I've always been like, um, how do douches RUN? so thanks for clearing that up.

(you. are. hilarious)

[elayne]

My son insisted that the correct lyric was "dirty deeds in the dungeon deep."

Which... kinda makes sense, actually.

I recently had to explain the "douche" lyric to my mother - the same woman who was upset because a 14-year-old me was listening to Paul Davis's "Cool Night," with the lyrics that said "it's gonna be a cool night/just let me hold you by the thigh, like."

But my favorite has to be one that *I* suffered from: For YEARS I thought that Pink Floyd was singing about "dark-socked @$$holes in the classroom." (I have since made dark sarcasm an art form of my own.)

Oh, and The Police(?)'s famous lament was "I'm a pool-hall ace" until I was at least 20. They might SAY it was always "how my poor heart aches" but I know they changed it just to make me look bad.

[Stimey]

Oh my God, Dirty deeds, done to sheep. Hilarious. I can stop looking for the funny now, because I've found it.

[christine]

once again you had be totally cracking up! i can sort of be accused of the douche one. sort of.

[Mary]

When we were little, my sister and I thought the commercial jingle for Rice-a-Roni was calling it "Rice-a-Roni, the family breakfast treat" instead of "San Francisco treat." Neither one seemed right, but having never been to San Francisco, family breakfast made more sense.

[Hetha]

You need to get a camera crew and run a little info-mercial on this...I can see it running during primetime right after a Cialis commercial. This is some funny shit my friend!

[janet]

Ah, god, I missed you. I'm wiping tears from my cheeks.

I still fondly remember my little sister singing "Tuna, tuna, tuna disturb!" to a bananarama song many years ago. Oh and to REM? "What if all these spanishies come playing around. I've said too much."

Classic case of lyrically-challenged syndrome. Classic.

[ame i.]

I thought, for like YEARS, it was "Wrapped up like a douche, another roller in the night."
I had fun tormenting my daughters when they were younger by asking "Is he saying green cheese or cream cheese?" when Fatboy Slim was saying "green Jesus". Man, that was fun! One would choose cream, one green, and then they would fight, and I would yell at 'em to stop the hell arguing.
I realized last week that When lightning crashes, and the old mother sighs, it wasn't her pretentions falling to the floor, it was her PLACENTA! I had to "rewind" several times to verify this.

[Penny]

I always wrap up the douche!! LOL!! You are hilarious. I Love it.